Batsitter
by SafirelV
Summary: Batman fills in as den mother for a day, but nothing goes as expected. Robin's sharing kisses in the kitchen, Kaldur's chant-rapping, rules for the use of toilet paper must be dictated, The Team trains in "stealth", and Batman cooks? *two-shot*
1. The Party

**What happens when Batman becomes den-mother for a day?**

**Characters: Batman, Robin, Artemis, Wally, M'gann, Conner, Kaldur**

**Rating: T**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Young Justice**

* * *

**Bat-sitter: The Party**

Batman was _not_ looking forward to babysitting the team. Or as Tornado put it, acting as "den mother". It wasn't that he didn't like the members of The Team; otherwise they wouldn't be there in the first place. It was the fact that they were a bunch of _teenagers in the same place_, and some of them were _metahuman_ teenagers. That meant that not only were they busy going through puberty, self-identity crises, and a rebellious stage, but they were also doing this with superpowers.

Red Tornado had been put in charge of them for the reason that he would not be deterred by their strange teenage habits, and remain unabashed through all of this. Not that Batman couldn't easily do that, he'd perfected the method of being levelheaded and undaunted in the face of the Joker, Scarecrow, Poison Ivy, and many other supervillains. For the most part. How hard could it be to babysit a couple of teenagers? After all, they were superheroes; they should have better behavior than normal teenagers. So why was the leader of the Justice League stepping down to babysitting duty? Because all of the other League members had stared down at the polished surface of the conference table and refused to meet Batman's eyes when he asked who could step in as den mother. Well, he had the time, he might as well try it himself. He had to make sure the teens weren't corrupting Robin anyway.

* * *

"_Batman, 01_," the computer announced.

"Got a mission for us?" Wally piped up, not even giving Batman any time to explain his purpose for being there.

The rest of The Team was assembled in a clump around Batman, eagerly waiting his response.

"No, I'm going to be taking over the job of watching you today," he replied coolly, glancing over all of them.

They must have thought it was a trick or something, because none of them budged, and none of their smiles faltered. "Return to your activities," Batman added uncomfortably, hoping they would leave this time.

They got the hint and went back to whatever secretive things they were doing before Batman had arrived.

* * *

Batman wasn't exactly sure what Tornado did as den mother.

But he knew what he would do. He was going to continue to gather information to add to the files of each team member he had at the Batcave.

There was an awful lot of chatter coming from the kitchen, and so Batman decided to investigate. He needed to make sure they weren't illegally downloading music to their music devices- it wouldn't set a good example for Robin. Or browsing on strange websites that attached viruses to the computer. But it was a kitchen; what would they do there besides come close to burning down The Cave?

He hung back in the shadows where no one in the kitchen could see him. He couldn't see them either, but he could _hear_ them.

"Can you give me a kiss?" Artemis asked rather excitedly.

That was strange. Batman didn't know Artemis was having any romantic relationships with anyone on The Team.

"Sure."

Was that… Robin? Were Artemis and Robin secretly having romantic relations behind Batman's back? Were they currently canoodling in the kitchen right now while Batman hid in the shadows eavesdropping so as to gather Intel with ease? Was Artemis corrupting his poor little birdie? He decided to listen some more to make sure he hadn't heard anything wrong.

"Mm, that was good. More please?"

"Hey, I need to save some for Wally, he'll kill me if he finds out I gave you kisses but not him!"

"Please? It's my birthday today!"

What the heck was going on in there?

Batman decided that enough was enough and entered the kitchen. He'd just walked in on Robin and Artemis eating Hershey's kisses. It was _chocolate_ they were sharing, not spit.

"Hey Batman! Want a kiss?" Robin asked, holding up a handful of tinfoil wrapped chocolate drops.

"No thanks," he said, drifting out of the kitchen as stoically as he'd drifted in.

"Suit yourself," Robin said, "More for me!"

* * *

Robin had sneaked off into another room, where he thought he'd be safe from the prying eyes of Batman. But he hadn't expected to see Wally in there setting up a stereo system.

"Wally. What the crap are you trying to do?" he asked, looking over the party supplies strewn across the room.

"It's Artemis's birthday today, and I'm throwing her a party," Wally whispered to Robin, winking.

Robin wasted no time on starting to chant, "Wally likes Artemis!", which led to Wally glaring at his best friend intensely, and threatening to pick him up and run outside and leave him on the beach. Robin just laughed and said Batman would never allow that.

"So what are you planning to do anyway?" he asked.

Wally sighed and shook his head, "Rob, we've been over this before. You go tell everyone we're having a party in here, and make sure Artemis doesn't know what this actually is (tell her it's a training exercise- but wear casual clothes), M'gann bakes something edible, Supey helps me set up everything, Wolf doesn't destroy anything, and Kaldur is ready to jam."

Robin raised an eyebrow at the last order, but shrugged and walked off to go tell the others about the party. Hopefully Batman wasn't going to chaperone it though. Actually, knowing Batman, he probably was.

* * *

It wasn't long before the party room was ready for Artemis to go in there and be surprised. After all, Robin's instructions were to tell her to go in there for a training exercise- but in casual clothes. Robin had somehow managed to avoid Batman entirely, imagining that The Dark Knight must be keeping to the shadows. No doubt he'd heard about the party by now, he was probably just staying out of the way. After the whole Hershey's Kisses fiasco earlier, Robin wasn't so sure Batman wanted to be near the kids. Or maybe he was just secretly surveying the scene from above.

Robin looked to the rafters in search of two white slits for eyes narrowed down at the party scene below. Nope, nothing.

"She's coming!" M'gann announced in a shout whisper, "Everyone quick! Hide!"

Of course, everyone immediately dived for the couch, but ended up knocking heads. They got up slowly, rubbing their heads in pain until they heard the familiar clacking of Artemis's boots not too far down the hallway.

Robin leapt behind the speakers. M'gann quickly turned invisible. Superboy lifted up the couch, placed himself underneath it, and put it back on top of himself. He was in plain sight though. It's not hard missing a guy with a couch on top of him. Kaldur chose to hide behind a cluster of colorful balloons, not exactly concealed well, but none of them really were (except for Miss Invisibility and Mr. Stealthy). Wally however, was left with only a floor lamp to stand behind. The thin frame of it definitely couldn't hide him. But alas, he stuck his head underneath the lampshade and hugged the neck of the lamp, hoping it would look like the lamp had been designed to look like a teenage boy hiding in a lamp.

Artemis walked into the room, and slowly tilted her head and squinted at the boy under the couch, just to make sure her eyes weren't fooling her. She'd thought Robin said it was a training exercise. She looked around the room to see Kaldur in the balloons, Kid Doofus in the floor lamp, and a faint distortion in the shape of a teenage girl on top of the couch. No doubt Robin was behind the sound system. No matter how small he was, even if his hair and the speakers were both black, speakers did not have hairy tops. What kind of training exercise was this supposed to be?

Slowly, Wally lowered himself out from under the lampshade, peeking to see if Artemis had yet arrived. As she turned to leave he jumped out and yelled, "Surprise!"

Kaldur tried to do the same, but was too tangled in the mess of balloon strings that his "surprise" came out sounding strangled, while Conner made M'gann let out a loud shriek by moving the couch before warning her. She did fly to catch herself though, and wasn't hurt. Robin successfully got out from behind the speakers, but sneezed as he said "surprise" since he'd breathed in so much dust from his hiding spot.

Artemis couldn't help herself and burst out laughing at the scene playing out in front of her.

* * *

Batman knew the teens were throwing a party. He also knew what teenagers did at parties. He'd seen enough movies.

But hopefully these kids were well behaved enough to know better than to spike the drinks or do illegal or immoral things.

Nevertheless, it was _his_ responsibility as den mother to check up on them. So he did.

He stood by the door, listening to the loud music coming out of the room. It wasn't anything familiar, but all the kids seemed to know how to dance to it. The lyrics were all garbled the way they were sung though, but it had a strong beat. Batman was still confused as to what fun teenagers found out of putting on loud music in the dark with flashing lights and jumping around in clumps. Glow sticks were scattered around the room, and every so often someone would accidentally step on a balloon, sending a resonating _pop_ around the room.

Batman waited for a while until they all calmed down. The music was turned off, but that was because Wally stepped up to the stage to talk.

"Okay guys, time for a little karaoke! Kaldur and I are up first!" Wally announced, more chipper than ever.

Kaldur seemed puzzled by being volunteered to sing in front of everyone without his consent, but he walked up to the platform anyway, looking down at the four friends staring up at them.

Kaldur had been in the choir in Atlantis as a young child, maybe around eight or nine, so he did know how to carry a tune. But he didn't expect what song Wally decided upon.

"_Nothin' on You_?" Kaldur asked, looking suspiciously at the screen that displayed the words.

Wally grinned, "Yup, you do the rapping and I'll do the singing."

"What makes you think I can rap?"

Wally flushed, "Well, you know, how um... the song's starting! _Beautiful girls, all over the world_…"

Kaldur's eyes were as wide as saucers as Wally continued singing. He was not sure how he could possibly figure out how to rap. After all, it wasn't a form of singing they did in Atlantis. Maybe it was similar to chanting?

"…_they might say hi, and I might say hey. But you shouldn't worry…_"

Kaldur smirked to himself noticing how off-key Wally was singing. He looked out to the others to see if they noticed as well. Robin gave him a knowing glance and Artemis was silently chuckling to herself.

Wally suddenly elbowed Kaldur in the rib. He looked back up on the karaoke screen. The lyrics had changed from green to blue. He assumed the blue was supposed to be his rapping, so he chanted it, "Not, not, not, nothing on you…"

Everyone started laughing. They'd never heard _Nothin' On You_ chanted and sung off key so strangely.

Batman decided to leave the kids to their fun. They weren't doing anything particularly harmful. He went off to mind his own business.

* * *

"ARGH!" a loud cry came from the bathroom.

Batman had noticed Superboy going in there earlier. He didn't want to investigate, but he knew someone would have to. He didn't think any of the kids would want to. After all, Superboy had been in there for nearly fifteen minutes.

Batman sighed and knocked on the door, "Are you okay Superboy?"

"…There's no toilet paper."

Batman could've sworn that he'd put in a new roll of toilet paper in earlier that day, but these were super powered genius kids. Even if they didn't seem like it sometimes. For all he knew, Wally took the roll away for one of his experiments. Or maybe Robin took it to use it as a measuring tool to calculate the square feet in the cave. M'gann could've taken it to wrap up her stuffed animals and pretend they were mummies, Kaldur could've used it to dry himself after a swim, or Artemis could've made a makeshift target dummy out of it. Well, the last two weren't as plausible, but Batman couldn't be sure what these kids were up to half the time.

So the sign was born. From then on, there was a sign above the toilet paper that read:

Number One- do not use more than four squares of toilet paper.

Number Two- do not use more than ten squares of toilet paper.

* * *

**For the den-mother change up challenge on the YJ Challenges forum.**

**I know that most of the events were seemingly unrelated, but this is my attempt at writing something humorous.**

**And yes, this will be a two-shot. So there will be another chapter. :D**

**I hope you enjoyed this first part of it, and please review to tell me your favorite parts or leave any suggestions for the next chapter! I love hearing what you think about my work :)**

**Love, Safirel**


	2. Let the Games Begin

**Bat-sitter: Let the Games Begin**

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" everyone cheered on as Wally gulped down Gatorade.

He finished his fourth bottle before an angry Batman burst into the kitchen. Everyone immediately quieted down, and Wally choked a little on the mouthful of lemon-lime flavored Gatorade in his mouth.

He quickly stepped in front of the empty Gatorade bottles to hide the evidence.

"I am very disappointed in all of you for displaying such bad behavior. Don't you know he could have choked on that? Do you have any explanation?" Batman reprimanded The Team as they stood staring at their shoes, trying to find some intricate design in the stitching so as to distract themselves from Batman's chiding.

No one answered him, but he didn't expect any of them to be man enough to speak up anyway.

He put fear into the hearts of his enemies (or in this case, ill-behaved children), and he prided himself on that.

"Well, you see, we were really bored. Since there's no mission and we're just kinda hanging out…" Robin tried to defend their actions. Well of course Robin was man enough to stand up to Batman, after all he lived with the man.

Batman sighed and tried to think of an activity to send the kids on. There really wasn't any mission that day; everything was peaceful enough. Well, he supposed he could send the kids to go stop a burglary or something, but Wally would just run over there and be back in about fifteen minutes and beg Batman for something more exciting.

Then Batman almost smiled when he came up with a bright idea that would both keep the kids under control _and_ entertained, "Fine. Then we're going to play- I mean, we'll be doing a _training exercise_ in the art of… stealth."

Everyone perked up immediately. They were about to be trained in the art of stealth by the stealth master himself. Well, aside from Solid Snake in Metal Gear Solid of course, but that was beside the point.

"The instructions are simple. I'll give you three minutes to find a place anywhere in Mount Justice that you can conceal yourself for twenty minutes," Batman started, only to be interrupted by Wally, "You mean hide-and-seek?"

Batman shot a glare at him, "Do not interrupt me while I am speaking. And no, I would not degrade you in that manner that you are too immature." _Shoot. The kid was on to him._

"If you can stay concealed for twenty minutes then good for you. But if you can hide yourself and manage to also work together to take the Bat-cookies from the Bat-cookie jar, then you truly are exemplary," Batman added for the fun of it.

Robin eyed the "Bat-cookies" suspiciously, "Hey, aren't those from Alf-"

"Shhhhhh!" Batman hushed him loudly, "Ready, set, go!"

As Batman shut his eyes and clutched the cookie jar tightly, The Team dispersed. Of course, they didn't disperse before M'gann hooked them up to the mental link so they would have means of communicating to figure out how to steal cookies from The Dark Knight without being noticed.

* * *

"_So Chuckles, how're you holding up in the kitchen cabinets?"_ Artemis asked. After Wally had told them that he had squeezed himself into one of the cabinets, she couldn't help but tease him about it. She hadn't even thought he could fit in there, but maybe he was scrawnier than she thought. Anyway about six minutes had passed, and she decided by then he'd start squirming.

"_I'm fine. Pretty cozy in here actually_," came his reply.

She rolled her eyes, _"I can hear your discomfort."_

Being the practical girl she was, Artemis had chosen a pretty good place to hide. She had crawled into the closet and climbed the shelves until she was on the top shelf to the side, so if someone just opened the door and looked in, she'd be obstructed from view. Her back was leaning on the wall by the door, and her left arm hung down over the shelf, her feet propped up on the shelf as well.

Until the others finished formulating a plan, she'd hang out up there in the pitch-black closet. Jumping down swiftly and quietly wouldn't be a problem. Her dad had made her practice a lot of that when she was younger.

"_Hey Artemis?"_

"Renegade_," _Artemis corrected.

"_Fine, whatever. But how come you get to be Renegade while I have to be _Chuckles_?" _Wally asked, aggravated.

Artemis stifled her laughter, _"Because you always make me laugh… or at least your face does."_

"_Hey! I heard that!"_

"_I know."_

Even though they were mentally communicating, The Team had still come up with code names for each other, just in case Batman had some kind of Bat-mindreading device in his utility belt. Robin wouldn't say whether he did or not, so they ended up using code names just because they might as well.

"Robin, I know you're in the ventilation system, now come out of there," Batman's voice sounded from right outside the closet door.

Artemis held her breath as she heard a clattering through the ventilation system. That must be Robin crawling through. And Batman must've been talking into the vents, no wonder why his voice slightly echoed.

But now Robin was out of the game, which meant that M'gann had to disconnect him from the mental link.

"_Well we just lost our greatest asset,"_ Wally announced.

"_Any ideas guys?"_ M'gann asked.

Conner had already gotten out of the game a few minutes ago, and Kaldur was right after him. Now it was only the Martian, the speedster, and the archer left.

"_I could run really fast stealing all the cookies and winning the game," _Wally suggested grinning to himself.

"_He'd probably catch you," _M'gann replied.

"_Well what do you think Arty? I mean, Renegade. You're being pretty quiet,"_ Wally said.

Artemis mentally glared at him, and held her breath. She was trying not to get distracted from hiding from Batman. He was way too close for comfort.

The closet door slid open, and someone turned on the lights.

She shrunk back into the corner of the top shelf, her arms now both resting in her lap. Hopefully what people said about guys having worse peripheral vision than girls was true even for the Bat of Gotham himself.

Her heart raced and she swore she was breathing louder than normal. It was probably just the adrenaline getting to her again though. She felt like she was gasping as loudly as a swimmer doing freestyle or a singer singing a song that required a lot of breathing.

Batman turned his head and looked almost right at her, but the cowl must have blocked his vision, or the whole guys and peripheral vision must have come into play since Batman didn't notice her. He turned off the light, but stopped mid-way through closing the door.

A golden string of long blonde hair shimmered in the light from the other room. It fell gently down to the ground and Batman spoke casually, "Artemis. You can crawl down from the shelf now."

"_Shoot. Guys I'm out. Looks like you're on your own,"_ Artemis sent her final mental message. And then she was disconnected.

* * *

It didn't take long before Wally turned himself in. Apparently he was getting bored, but Artemis knew it was really because he was in pain from sitting in such a cramped space for such a long time. M'gann never tried to steal the cookies from the cookie jar, and Batman eventually found her by listening very, very carefully - he heard her shuffle slightly and pointed her out. Therefore, Batman won.

He was about to assign the kids to another activity- The Quiet Game. But they all ran off to the living room when Wally announced, "Netflix finally sent over Harry Potter! The second part of the Deathly Hallows!"

Everyone had scrambled onto the couch, but there was only room for four, and they ended up kicking Wally and Robin off onto the floor. Wally deemed this unfair since he was the one who ordered the movie, but M'gann offered to make the popcorn, and he calmed down after that.

Batman was sitting down in the shadows somewhere to make sure the kids didn't get bored of the movie and decide to go set fires to something. Obviously Batman didn't understand the enthralling nature of Harry Potter if he thought setting fire to something was more exciting.

The beginning of the movie started with the kids on the edge of the couch in anticipation (or in Wally and Robin's case, on the edge of the carpet), excited to see what was going to happen. M'gann was naturally a fangirl of Harry Potter, but Conner and Kaldur had never seen it before in their lives.

Artemis was probably the biggest closet fan of Harry Potter, and Wally loved it almost as much as he loved making up scientific pick-up lines that included binary fission.

Conner and Kaldur were pretty confused, not only on the characters and the plotline, but about the way they talked. "Muggles" and "snogging" were unfamiliar terms to them.

But no one wanted to divert their attention away from the movie to explain.

The movie went by in mostly excited silence, until the end- the epic battle between Voldemort and the arisen Harry Potter.

Artemis couldn't help herself and had to exclaim, "So did Voldemort just decompose into… skin flakes? Ew! Does that mean that every time you breathe, you breathe in pieces of decomposed nose-less Voldemort?"

Everyone stared at her blankly, and she shrugged, "It's true. Just look at that withered skin flying around in the air."

Wally could never look at his Voldemort action figure in the same way again. And somehow, he got into the habit of holding his breath every time he walked past it.

* * *

According to some notes Batman found up in Tornado's secret lair (Batman knows everything), if the kids still hadn't gone home by 7pm, it was time to feed them.

But Batman knew nothing about cooking.

So he called Alfred.

"Yes Master Wayne?"

"I have to cook dinner for six kids… and I don't know how to cook."

"How many boys are there?"

"Four. And I need to eat too."

"I suggest you buy ramen and Easy Mac in bulk and cook that."

And so Batman sent M'gann to the grocery store. After all, she went to school in this place. The residents of Happy Harbor wouldn't find it strange to see a local high school girl shopping at a local grocery store. But they would find it strange to see a man dressed in a batsuit in a grocery store. Or he would be attacked by paparazzi. And Batman did not like paparazzi.

When M'gann got back, Batman stared at the ramen and Easy Mac, puzzled.

"There are instructions on the back," M'gann said supportively.

Wally leaned down to whisper to Robin, "Now I know where you get your cooking skills from." Robin responded with a quick elbow jab to the gut.

Nevertheless, after three failed attempts at making ramen, Batman finally got the hang of it, and was just glad he'd listened to Alfred and bought the food in bulk.

Otherwise he would've run out of food just from the failed attempts.

And so everyone sat down at the table, each situated with a bowl of ramen and plate of Easy Mac, microwaved by Batman himself.

It was silent until someone let out some built-up intestinal gases.

"Wow it smells terrible. Who knew Artemis could be so disgusting?" Wally asked loudly.

She glared at him, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it."

Robin smirked, "And whoever rhymed, did the crime."

"How ironic," M'gann commented.

Artemis and Wally launched into one of their daily debates about trivial matters- this time, about who had farted.

Batman only sat there, wondering why he hadn't just assigned someone to babysit The Team. After all, he _was_ supposedly the leader of the Justice League.

* * *

**And the story comes to a conclusion.**

**I hope you guys enjoyed reading this! I know I enjoyed writing it!**

**Oh and since it seems like a lot of you enjoyed the "kissing" scene in the first chapter, here's some random background info- it was actually inspired by English class when a boy brought Hershey Kisses to class, and another boy said, "Hey can I have a kiss?" The teacher looked so uncomfortable until she realized what was going on!**

**And the hide-and-seek (I mean 'stealth' training) was an idea from ZS!**

**Love, Safirel**

**(Before I go...)**

**_gwlrdtir_: I'm glad you loved it!**

**_orangevbnin_: Thanks! I enjoyed completing the challenge :)**

**_Rowanfall_: I try :) I mean, you've got to love the bromance going on between Robin and Wally! It's just so adorable when guys are best friends!**

**_Chibi Lauryn_: Oh thanks! I'm really glad you enjoyed it!**

**_DiSTRiCtxx13xxTrIbUtE_: I know right? I guess us teenagers just have weird minds... :P By the way I like your pen name- guessing you're a fan of the Hunger Games? :)**

**_wallyxartemisyjlover_: I love that you loved it :D**

**_ZS_: That was a really great idea! I hope you liked how I used it :)**

**_Keepmovingforward2_: Thanks!**

**_Ansa88_: Haha sorry! I'm glad you thought it was funny! I don't know why, but I do agree- hormones suck. Especially all the mood swings. Later on you're just like, "And I was mad about _that_ ?"**

**_candi711_: Thank you!**

**_ARL15_: Thanks :)**

**_GIRLWONDER_: Haha you've got to love their choice of hiding places! Ahh Batman... bet he's a closet fan of Mission Impossible movies**

**_That Kid_: Thank you! Chanting Kaldur is pretty cool.**

**_Essence_: Thanks! Seems like there are a few Kaldur fans here :)**

**_EvrAnge_: Thank you!**

**_Tagalong_: Haha thanks! Charmin seems to try to solve our lack of toilet paper problems, but I say Batman has more creative ideas.**


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